When You Have No Where To Run

It took all my guts to stand up

And stop those fallen tears

From this continuous downfall on my cheeks.

Into the toilet I went

With a frown

Which changed into a crooked smile

After looking at my pathetic expressions.

Flashbacks upon my angsty childhood memories

Where I would cry in the toilet all alone

Or have tears flow silently as I sleep by the window

Where the chilly winds reminded me of how cold the society is towards downgraded and weak people

Into elementary school I went

Where I was the biggest loser

The biggest introvert

A total contradict of my current self

But deep down

I know

That the introversial self of mine has not throughly disappeared.

Back to the topic,

Elementary school wasn't a bliss or a walk in the park either.

Emotions bottled up inside

Until it was filled to the brim

And then finally after 10 years of holding on vaguely,

I finally exploded.

That was a family problem.

However the school problems I have had was no lesser than the family one.

Ditched,

Separated,

Ignored,

Neglected,

The many adjectives I can describe myself as during that period.

But I still managed to hold on

And this incident never exploded.

Nevertheless,

It wasn't a smooth ride

During the first 12 years of life.

And then there came a change when I entered high school.

Where I told myself I needed a change.

Which went for all the better.

This change brought me up,

This change was a turning point.

It was a bright approach

But it was too a nightmare.

Betrayal,

Arguments,

Loneliness,

Misunderstandings.

Things I could never run away from for some reason.

Each year,

A problem would crop out.

Put me in misery,

In fear,

In darkness.

But that was all in the past.

Putting down is hard,

Forgetting is impossible

Getting over is a miserable phase

I'm proud,

Of myself

With my achievements

And the way I handle things.

But donkey hole,

You don't know me,

You don't know my story,

You don't know what it feels like to be me.

Your approach in solving the problem

Has skinned me alived

Cut me in the flesh with a sharpened knife.

While the crimson blood red liquid flows down

The iron smell of it filling up the room

All you do is believe

What you're doing is for the best.

Honestly,

It isn't.

You're killing my inside.

I do mind a lot.

Maybe it's time to cut all the shit out and focus.

Today will be the last day

Misery hits me

Because in the mirror I saw myself

The girl with a fire within her heart,

The girl who might seem weak due to her fallen tears,

The girl who forcefully rips out every thorn stucked in her heart

The girl who remembers all details but puts them down after some time in order to make peace,

The girl who erases all sorts of suicidal thoughts,

The girl who has dreams of her own,

The girl who does not give a damn for what people think after knowing where she stands,

The girl who strives for what she wants,

The girl who dies emotionally over and over again but regains strength after each blow,

The girl who grows from misery and pain,

The girl who gives a crooked smile which ends up being something optimistic and positive.

Because this girl,

Has the guts to live,

Without regrets.

This girl,

Will not back down in a war.

Even if she dies her soul will haunt the living.

She will not ever give up.

Because she isn't weak.

As long as she stands up,

As long as she has true hearted people on her side,

As long as she motivates herself.

You will not ever have a chance to defeat her.

Because,

She is one strong willed person.

This crooked smile,

Gives her strength.

Because she knows

God will always be with her,

Things happen for a reason.

She knows that people who love her,

Will always be behind her back.

She believes in the one who gives her strength.

And lastly,

She has a backbone which backs her up from falling on her knees to demons who try to possess her.

There's the optimistic smile.

The smile which allows her to walk down

Stronger,

Tougher,

Undefeatable.

All the better it would be

To cut open your eyes with a blade

Even if it bleeds

Because you will manage to get away from people who try to take your possessions away.

People who try to backstab you.

With this pair of 'opened' eyes

The world seems clearer

Because you've let go of the one who has utterly gave you an emotion called

Sadness.

I opened my palms and let the wind take away every bit of sand left.

"Let it go"

Am I right?

To survive longer,

The only method is bt staying stronger.

So what,

If there are dirty glances,

I believe in myself.

In you.

In others.

Because the world still has people who love you,

Even if they do not always show it.

长痛不如短痛

Thank you

For showing me

Your true colours.

For telling me,

How important it is to open your eyes before trusting.

I don't hate you.

I don't need to.

In fact,

I feel sorry for you.

Because you're only going to hurt yourself in the process

If things like this continue.

While I,

Get hurt

Cry

Talk

Stop

Clear my mind

Stand up

Motivate myself

Remind myself about the people who truly love me for who I am

Smile

and finally,

Move on.

Smile, Everything Gets better

Smile, Nothing Lasts Forever

Smile, Be Grateful For What You Have

Smile, For Being Yourself

And having a life to enjoy.

:)

A real smile

Plastered on my face now

And I know
It'll always be
#UsAgainstTheWorld

♡