Again

I guess I'm back on this blog again after 2 years. A platform for me to be myself, a way to speak to myself. I've been doing it discreetly on my phone, locking those pieces of words to myself. Forcing myself to leave the note as a reminder of burn marks in the flesh, and making it impossible for myself to re-read without feelin the pain I felt in that moment of writing. I guess what makes this different from that is posting to a platform with permanent records forces me to put in thoughts I have processed and conveyed properly in my mind after digesting it. Instead of words from emotional built up in a moment of crisis. It gives space for thought, knowing that anyone can read it, anyone can stalk it.

So I guess, it makes me hate myself less, makes me hurt myself less, and makes me less afraid of writing.

Because when I do writing in my phone, it makes me afraid to write, knowing that I will re-read the past notes. And I don't want to be afriad of these valid emotions. Even as they burn you. Because pain makes you human, pain makes you alive. Pain is the reason why we're alive.

Without pain, there will be no will to live, because you're not afraid of anything, not afraid of hurting anyone, not afraid of losing yourself, or anyone else.




Let the bloggings begin.

No More

When you don't find the need to do something,

That's when things don't matter anymore.

That's when you don't give two shits anymore.

That's when everything goes down the drain.

That's when you realize how unimportant those people are to you.

And maybe,

Just maybe,

I'm under one of those unimportant people list.

I did

Sorry if I made you stop caring,

Sorry if I made you stop wanting to try,

Sorry for making you feel the way I made you feel.

But honestly,

Those words cut deeper than they seem.

Because you never gave it a second thought,

But I did.

I Don't Know Anymore

Using " I Don't Know Anymore" so much to the extent where I'm not even sure if I'm abusing it.

Sometimes I just don't know if I'm the only one feeling this way

Sometimes, I don't even know what to do anymore.

It feels so surreal

One moment, 

Everything is perfect.

The next,

Your worst nightmare comes around the block.

Words-

I don't really know if they are meant for me.

If I assume they are,

It hurts.

But I can never ignore.

So messed up to the point where I don't know what to feel anymore.

So done.

Words

Sorry for saying the words that should have not been said.

Call me insensitive,

Call me stupid.

Call me a piece of shit for saying things that should have never left my mouth.

I never really meant to say words without thinking through it thoroughly.

I just assumed that whatever I said wouldn't get to your mind that much,

But unexpected things happens from time to time,

And I looked upon myself too much,

Thinking that everything I said could sound like a joke,

But things never go that smoothly,

Because everything I say,

Will eventually backfire one day.

Sorry for all the feelings you had to go through because of my stupidity.

Because of that one thing I said,

I had to make you feel unexpectedly emotional,

Making you reflect on yourself,

Making you feel everything you have once threw away.

And I should have been more cautious about my words,

About every single thing that was about to come out of my mouth.

Sorry for being an idiot in not thinking clearly before acting out.

Sorry for repeatedly saying that I'm sorry when you clearly wanted me to shut up.

I deserve every seen, every double blue tick, every open notification from you.

Because I probably deserve it,

For saying things that should never be said in words.

For saying words that should never be in sentences.

Maybe what I said could mean nothing to you,

But the reaction you gave to me,

The reactions I received,

Made me realize that,

Words hurt like shape razors sliced on the flesh below your cheekbones.

Where the scar never fades,

Or heals.